Advanced Junglist Simulator

By Lee Spoons

Genre: utility: bass und drums

Booyakabooyakjunglist Massif.

I remember spending a rather splendid few weeks mapping the drift geology of that spot during the mid 90’s.  I’m joking of course, because this is referencing the parlance of the old school jungle, a subset of the ‘drum, and base’ musical genre.

 

On loading AJS jumps into Lee’s demo, which is actually sounds exactly like the youtube vids I found while researching, oops – I mean jiving, to jungle.  Then you get the chance to record your own version.  There is a record and play mode, and you have a choice of 8 sounds that epitomise jungle – “Wicked”, “Booyaka”, “Junglist” massive to name a few.  Why not have a bash yourself?

Booyaka!

Great fun, and actually very good at what it does!  Thankyou Lee!

Download here.

I don’t think Lee quite captured it in his demo, so I had a go (space to play)......yup, still got the magic.

HACK SACK:  Timmy provided the following:
125 REM
135 GO TO 100
RUN

Advanced Freemium Simulator

By Rebelstar without a Cause
Genre: Crippleware

Ah yes, freemium.  That wonderful combination of free and premium, what could possibly be wrong with that?  Well, anyone that’s used anything like Mediafire to host files will know exactly what.  Basically there’s the free version that’s intentionally impaired in some way, and the ultra delux paid for version, that isn’t.

Good fun.  Thankyou Rebelstar!

Download here.
 

Advanced Mongy Lard Simulator

By Wookiee

Genre: Penile contortion

Hot on the heels of his last entry, Wookiee has clearly been slaving away honing his crap gaming skills.  Advanced Mongy Lard Simulator is a ‘sort of snake game’ in more than one sense of the word.

For those not in the know, a ‘Mongy Lard’ is (as far as I can tell) a lady of large proportions and questionable moral fibre.  A synonym might be ‘Munter’.  The term has fallen into common usage since a member (there I go again) of the World of Spectrum forums frequently used to post pictures of said ladies.  Using the ROM graphics set for the intro screen, Wookiee has given us what may be Sinclair’s answer to the Mona Lisa.

In AMLS you must negiotate your old chap around the ‘maze’ of deadly durex wrappers and try to impregnate as many mongy lards as possible.  As with any snake game if you go back on yourself the game is over.  I don’t know what’s in the water where Wookiee lives, but if he can bend his dick around this many angles he should go on stage with it!

 Like any snake game this one is quite fun, with the added bonus of the mongy lards, as depicted by a high resolution UDG (or amorphous selection of pixels if you prefer).  I’m a big fan of UDGs, and with clever usage of those 64 pixels and the Spectrum’s palette, you can capture an object’s quintessence.  Thankfully Wookiee has done none of these things, having hastily cobbled together some crudely drawn and poorly coloured blocks – good work!

Thankyou Wookiee!

Tipshack:  Stick to the outside of the screen and make dash and grab raids when a ML appears.  It’s easy to trap yourself – think with your head, not your balls.

Download here.

Parking Meter Simulator

By Angus Gulliver

Genre: Utility: Patience

 We’ve all been there: It’s Saturday, you’ve popped into town with the other half because for some reason or other, you have to go to B&Q.  Again.  If this was all the trip entailed the £2.20 you’ve put on the old jalopy would be ample, but as usual you have to start looking at new bathroom fittings because the old ones "aren’t exciting anymore", then you have to traipse around clothes shops and go into that nice new café.  All the while the parking meter is ticking away.

  
 
 
















Like Angus’s other crap games, it was programmed and tested on a real Spectrum so a trooper award is in order.  (Photos supplied by Angus)

Before the game starts we are treated to a magnificent flashing border effect, and be sure to enjoy it because the excitement ends there!
 

A parking meter is drawn on the screen and you watch and wait for it to tick down, when it gets low you must press the magic ‘M’ key to top the meter up.  It takes about 2 minutes for the meter to exhaust fully, and it does so in ~5 big steps, getting slightly faster each time.  We should thank Angus for this simulator, because in the modern fast paced world we are constantly reacting, and rarely have the time to just pause, and contemplate what’s important.  So if Parking Meter Simulator was designed with this in mind, may I be the first to congratulate on an ingenious idea.
 

TOTAL CARP!  Thankyou Angus and Nita!

Tipshack: Never go shopping again.

Download Parking Meter Simulator here.
Download a faster arcade hack here.

AWFTRBTSFTVOTWWPRSWWSBASS

A topical new entry from Lee Spoons, who is building up quite a portfolio.  Lee's description of the game:

For anyone who wants to re-live the thrilling experience of watching the outside of a hospital, may I present to you, "Advanced Waiting for the Royal Baby to Spring from the Vagina of that Woman whose Parents run some Website what sells Balloons and stuff Simulator"...

I'm really pleased Lee has sent this in, because like the whole rest of the bloody country I was waiting with bated breath the arrival of the royal baby from the Duchess of Cambridge's loins.  Now the poor bugger has emerged I feel hollow.

To emulate the exciting waiting time Lee has used a FOR NEXT loop that has 100000000000 repeats, though I have no intention of finding out exactly how long this takes.  What he has failed to do in this entry is capture the newsfeed of journalists saying the same thing every 15 minutes in the absence of facts, and interviewing rebarbative fools with equally little to say on the subject. 

Now I can get on the train south to drop of some flowers at the palace, and thanks to Lee's simulator I can do so safe in the knowledge I can relive that wonderful day en route.

All we need now is the waiting for that rich family to give the baby a name simulator.  My money's on Bob.

Thankyou Lee!

Download here.

Alan Whicker Simulator

By Andrew Green

Genre: Text:Travel

This little game is in memory of the late Alan Whicker, who passed on last week.  For those not familiar with Alan he is a suave moustached British journalist famous for his travel broadcasting.  Although he did speak to people of all classes most will think of him talking to a dignitary sitting by a swimming pool with a glass of chilled champers in Monaco.

After the strange EMUZ loader that I’m not familiar with we have an excellent 'start' – not only does the program not autostart it finishes loading with a D – BREAK CONT REPEATS, 0:1 message.

The game gives you 4 choices, and you must enter the mind of Alan Whicker to see which is correct.  If you are eagle-eyed however, you might spot a pattern that option 1 tends to be somewhere nice (like San Tropez or Monte Carlo) and 2,3,4 are usually erm, a bit less nice.  Successfully choosing the correct location allows you to interview someone rich and famous, and failing to do so gives you this screen:

10 successful interviews completes the game.

A crap game, but a funny one.  Thankyou Andrew (and thankyou Alan!)!

HACK SACK:  Interview paradox 615 LET r=1, 8040 DATA “Alan Whicker”

Download here.